We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
