Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
