Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
