I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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