He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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