Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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