I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
