dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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