An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
