That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
