They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
