Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
