I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
