the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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