Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is my gift to your gina
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
