Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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