sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
