i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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