I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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