party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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