I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
