i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
