Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i now understand why vodka
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
