Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize