I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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