chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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