her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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