they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
