I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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