I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
