Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
