Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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