someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
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