I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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