oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
