So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
