3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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