She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i think i just lost a toe
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
