so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just google imaged poop.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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