I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize