oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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