she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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