I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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