Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
