our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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