Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
