Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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