I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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