I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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