so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
